Tocca - Brigitte

Tangy rosepetal conserve. This is the equivalent of looking at a lemon - salivation dries up, an appetite suppressant.
This is the most boring perfume ever. Spare me. Spare us.

Hanae Mori - Magical Moon

In which a spritesome, turquoise-haired faery, delicately fattened on grouse, guavas, clusters of crimson berries, overripe grapes, and split figs, lets loose a staggeringly fetid turd.
I smell like a fluffer girl.

Seven Skies - Belle Histoire

Mmm mmm yum, like munching on a candy necklace in the middle of a cherry-pie-plant thicket. Normally I detest sugary concoctions, but something about the Seven Skies line is so good-natured and eager to please that it softens me up and makes me smile in return. Coltish, charming, and beaming warmly.

Frederic Malle - Carnal Flower

This should be exuding from some monstrous, carnivorous, fleshy pink flora in thick, viscous, milky drops. Headspinningly worthy of "What was that?" second glances, this is an intoxicating, meaty, heady, feverish tuberose that sucks you dry. Intimate and indecent, this is brabusting Italian screen heroines - Silvana Mangano, Sophia Loren - magnified to 50x lifesize and in 3-D surround sound. How to wear it: nude, mouth constantly open a la Story of O, and possibly spread-eagled.

EDIT: Thirteen hours later, this party girl's still working her jaw muscles somewhere in a corner. Astonishing.

Serge Lutens - Five O'Clock au Gingembre

Feminite du Bois stamped with a gingerbread boy cookie cutter. Perhaps without the cool cedared aloofness of the former, but still, a bit redundant. Shape up!

Comptoir Sud Pacifique - Princesse Muscat

Fermentation of bloomed-over grapes pressed from gout-ridden feet. Syrupy, like certain Greek jams, brambleberries, a bit viscous, runny . . . not in the slightest like actual "perfume," but a sepia photograph of a Burgundy winery. Very strange - I wish I could see what a proper wearer of this looks like.

Donna Karan - Cashmere Mist

Powder powder powder . . . between the thighs of a menopausal woman. Lingerie washing-up liquid, netting, fleshtone panthose, potpourri sachets.