Chanel - Coco Mademoiselle

Charming floral confection that suits an upper-class fresh-pressed squeaky-clean sophomore perfectly. This has none of the opulence and duskiness that I associate with Chanel, but all the toothsome appeal of a shiny school ring and jingling charm bracelets. Not bad at all. Healthy and BLONDE.

Guerlain - Eau de Coq

Very strange, stale-sweet smelling eau de cologne, perhaps an ancient bottle?
My boy described it best: "Urinal cake made of Pez"

Tom Ford - Amber Absolute (Private Blend)

Richer, deeper, and more insidious Ambre Sultan. But why pay $60 more when you can get the Lutens for cheap?

Serge Lutens - Fumerie Turque

The brightest autumn fire burning (everything I wished Burning Leaves by CB I Hate Perfume would be), fierce and raw and smoky-sap-sweet, with an unfortunate drydown turn to used leisure suit or leatherette in a 1974 retirement home. Stale. Nose-squinching. Boy-of-the-household HATED IT.
Ripoff Habanita.