Mistral - Mer du Sud (South Seas)

High-end Febreeze with a prickling industrial carpet-cleaner quality. Forgettable.

Baby Phat - Fabulosity

Cloying jam-'n'-KoolAid concoction that makes me wish for a Jim Jones white night, in order to end the pain.
(What is it with grown women smelling like Full House? Is the underlying message now that male objects of affection are latent paedophiles? This should be packaged in a ring pop sucker.)

Chanel - No. 18

The opening notes of this are so completely horrid that I can't think straight. Ambrette seed, despite its creampuff name, is a VILE, asafoetidic, toecurling shitstain of a smell, like crabbed pubic hair burning, all the circles of hell combined, a million rotting goat carcasses, any medical term ending in -asis, papait mix, and the plague. If you can still breathe after the miasma has cleared (5 min.), what remains is a metallic sylph, like one inhabiting a dying brook. This is the strangest fragrance ever conceived, a headfucker, I can't imagine who would want to shell out $200+ to smell like a mermaid amputee.

Santa Maria Novella - Eva

This is the most delicious variation on vetiver I've ever had the good luck to chance upon.
While other houses showcase the root's icy, earthy, or soapy qualities, SMN cuts through the often antiseptic aloofness with the bubble of sarsaparilla spice and sunshine sparkle of bergamot. This is a perfect everyday scent, playful, classy, and compellingly sniffable. A day later I can still smell it. Adorable 50s plaid-and-wood packaging too. Superb.

Jennifer Lopez - Deseo

More sophisticated than one would expect.

Celine Dion - Sensational

Mindless, but not dreadful. Soulless florist. Peaches from a botulism-infected tin.

Comme des Garcons - Carnation

Febrile and as glossily, glaringly red as freshly-licked cinnamon hearts. Not very subtle, the equivalent to Tex Avery's Red Hot Riding Hood. Music to be wolf-whistled to.

Comme des Garcons - Series 3 - Incense: Avignon

The scent that I think emitted from St. Lydwine of Schiedam's sores.
Like all CdGs on me, it has zero lasting power, but its evanescent existence is marked with exquisite Decadent gloom.

Lush - Potion solid perfume

For years, I believed the perfect scent was that of Roger and Gallet carnation soap, spicy and simple. Potion replicates the exact smell for hours on end - 11 hours later, it still lingered on my wrists. However, its major drawback is that same linearity. It has zero development and screams the same pink shrillness for an entire day.
For value and longevity though, ($11 for a tin that will last forever - the perfume is not very malleable, you'll never make a dent in it) Potion beats other oeillets, like Bellodgia, CdG Carnation etc. Bang for the buck, but apply sparingly.

L'Artisan Parfumeur - Bois Farine

CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH! This made me laugh out loud, because the top note is exactly like being konked over the head with a baguette. What remains is a gentle nut-bread loafiness, like coffee cake dusted with icing sugar. Not at all bottle-worthy, but decant-decent for a five-minute pick-me-up.

Eau d'Italie - Sienne l'Hiver

Iris has an elegiac, opalescent quality that reminds me of dying naiads. I cannot wear it - it tastes too much like tears. Would fare better on a pale blonde racked by consumption, attended by a slyly necrophiliac suitor.