Monday, October 31, 2011


I do not normally screech about body care products, but: . . .

Dr. Hauschka's Regenerating Body Moisturizer smells exactly like Chan Pui Mui.
If you have ever wanted to smell like Chinese childhood, Popo or a handful of assorted preserved plum products, run and bulldoze over everyone in your path to get this. This is the greatest body lotion ever.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Caron - Tabac Blond (late 70s/early 80s)

This is a perfume that carries such expectations that you need a good, Hoovering influence to put you on level ground again.
HUSBAND: It smells like a bridge club.
HUSBAND: It smells like a bunch of bluehairs playing canasta.
HUSBAND: It smells like old women playing pinochle.
HUSBAND: It smells like Febreeze on a casino carpet.
What I say: This is a monstrously uncompromising fragrance. For me, the girl-on-whom-any-oriental-turns-to-smoke, this throttled me to the ground, rolled me into an open grave, and bashed me on the head with a spade. Repeatedly. I had flashbacks of Berdoues' Tabac - roaring, hellish, spot-on cigarette smoke sealing up all the cracks in the apartment while I cower and cry.
Perfect example of fragrance wearing me.
Perfect example of hag-ridden kelpy casualty.
Bitter, black black, claw-marks.
Amber filth.
This is the most unwholesome thing I have ever smelled. All aspects bodily are magnified.
I would like an oxygen mask and a six-hour-long bath, please.
These are my first immediate thoughts.


EDIT: Husband: You smell like a loose lush.
Me: Oh, do I smell like I have had many men without washing in between?
Husband: No, you just smell like cigarettes and booze.
Me: Well then, this fragrance has SUCCEEDED!

*confetti falls from ceiling upon an unleashed horde of 20s garconnes rubbing shoulders with men in raccoon coats and brilliantine*

I love my children.

Okay, my poor neglected PRPP, I shan't let you get fallow ever again. Sometimes accumulation leads to fatigue, but my love has been replenished by finding Caron's Tabac Blond for the stupidest price of all time. I was hopping up and down and looking like I had to seriously use the bathroom when asking the shop-lady. I couldn't help it. IT WAS A FIND THAT ALTERED MY PHYSICAL STATE. I nearly transmogrified. Maybe I metamorphosed into a vapour for two seconds, then switched back into human form. I wanted to eat the bottle whole. I love you, bottle-of-late-70s/early-80s-extraction-in-the-last-throes-pre-Fraysse-1988-re-orchestration.

Question: Do you say hello! to your perfume collection in the morning?
Do you kiss and hug them goodnight?
Do you think of them fondly during the day?

Possible answers: Yes
                         you insane woman

Sunday, October 2, 2011

L'Artisan Parfumeur - Tea For Two

As in the words of my fellow: "Ginger Cake's holiday bread." Or was it "Ginger cakes, holiday bread"? Indefinite qualities of the spoken word, etc.