Paco Rabanne - Metal

This begins as the most evil, venomous, Zyklon-B antisept known to man, a poisonous Chartreuse-coloured wraithe capable of liquefying your eyeballs and slurping them in one gulp. Towers crumbling, X-ray vision corroding flesh and sinew, empty-craniumed pod-dwellers gestating in cocoons of steel wool and mercury - for these glorious 15 minutes I am a pure megalomaniac, skewering hearts, bitter and Furious, sing the song of the uranium-veined Siren -
(Whispers: is it dated? It's mineral crystals that phosphoresce, lanterns . . .)
Malevolence, fuming -
Snapped spinal cords and punctured innards.

Bvlgari - Jasmin Noir

Sexually active big sister to Serge Lutens' Un Bois Vanille - very little jasmine, much almond milk plushness, like the slicked-back hair of a Robert Palmer video vamp.
EDIT: amazing lasting power - the next day this is kissing cousin to Lubin Idole, ebony and mahogany richness, glossy, luxe, lickable.

Escada - Moon Sparkle

Explosion at the Lotte chewing gum factory in the middle of a sweltering Korean heatwave.

Mistral - Mer du Sud (South Seas)

High-end Febreeze with a prickling industrial carpet-cleaner quality. Forgettable.

Baby Phat - Fabulosity

Cloying jam-'n'-KoolAid concoction that makes me wish for a Jim Jones white night, in order to end the pain.
(What is it with grown women smelling like Full House? Is the underlying message now that male objects of affection are latent paedophiles? This should be packaged in a ring pop sucker.)

Chanel - No. 18

The opening notes of this are so completely horrid that I can't think straight. Ambrette seed, despite its creampuff name, is a VILE, asafoetidic, toecurling shitstain of a smell, like crabbed pubic hair burning, all the circles of hell combined, a million rotting goat carcasses, any medical term ending in -asis, papait mix, and the plague. If you can still breathe after the miasma has cleared (5 min.), what remains is a metallic sylph, like one inhabiting a dying brook. This is the strangest fragrance ever conceived, a headfucker, I can't imagine who would want to shell out $200+ to smell like a mermaid amputee.

Santa Maria Novella - Eva

This is the most delicious variation on vetiver I've ever had the good luck to chance upon.
While other houses showcase the root's icy, earthy, or soapy qualities, SMN cuts through the often antiseptic aloofness with the bubble of sarsaparilla spice and sunshine sparkle of bergamot. This is a perfect everyday scent, playful, classy, and compellingly sniffable. A day later I can still smell it. Adorable 50s plaid-and-wood packaging too. Superb.